Like an infidel seeing light for the first time

I am tied up with emotions inside. Like the branches in the tree above, my feelings want to stretch as far to the sky as they can within their darkness but mine feel tangled and bound to the ground, unable to move. I have felt like this for a few days. So inside myself. Unable to express all that is transpiring within me. I am craving quiet. Calm. Wide open spaces. The corner of a room, hunched over, alone. Such a contradiction. I don't even know what I need.

Okay so maybe what I need right now is for my family to tell me that this time, when I fall, they won't be here to catch me. That what I need to do is get through it and not over it. That they won't be here for me forever. That I cannot always depend on them for everything. That they will stand beside me and not infront of me. I need them to tell me this so I could guide myself till I am able to see light at the end of the tunnel even when it means that I have to crawl to get there. Last year, a miracle happened and I am here. I don't know if God is willing to give me that again cause all that I will give is disappointment. To myself, my family and my teachers.

This stream of consciousness feels good. This stream of feelings. They were tucked away, held tight into my chest and now they are brave enough to peek through.

Lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs

Chucky, shining across the sky till morning

Filling in the cracks that ran through the door

Silly people run around, they worry me.
I’m fixing a hole where the rain gets in.

I know this is all a part of the journey. Of finding my place in a world of people so vast and expansive. These things take time, and I do feel the beginnings of connections growing stronger. Each day brings with it a new set of emotions at these retreats. So, don't be surprised if tomorrow I am without any internal conflict. It happens every time. Emotions are bare. Hearts are full. Frenetic energy is everywhere. This is where I am today. Sometimes, it all feels awkward, even with the awareness of gratitude for all of it. Now Jake will you smile like the sun for me?

They say better late than never. I say it's too late. So au revoire zeroeight.

Falling like rain from the sky

Ugh, company. Completely drained from the buildup of competition adrenaline that fueled the first half of the day, I'm way too tired to be cordial. She's taking too much space (Jill squashed, looking helpless, pleading for rescue). I'm losing it, losing, losing, LOST! Now can anyone tell me where I can find hope and faith? I seriously, urgently, desperately want it, need it.

On the lacquer tabletop for the tenth time

Such a beautiful day today is.

The sun and the warm scent of clinique happy heart in the air (thank you Kirsten for always smelling like heaven). Today, I will be kidnapping Sarah's (toy) cat, Ashraf, and Harry's dinosaur, Farty. Ohhh I cannot contain my excitement! Revenge is sweet. Really, really sweet!