Re-entering my life

Was I ever a silly girl with my head full only of laughter and serious boys who visited my attention with their stern adolescent dumbness?

Trying to remember: It would have been before I decide to choose between various styles and ideologies, and well before I chose to stop choosing. You see, if I am now the finely honed product of all those years of choosing, what was I before this, before choice? Can I even remember how old I was before I cease to be tabula rasa? Maybe not precisely, but there had to have been a time before the choice, the choice to speak in a certain tone, to mix a kind of polite forthrightness with a certain reticence.

It would have been sometime in early adolescence. Something, some event I may not even remember at first, would have launched me into the orbit of choice that led me to be the person I am now. Perhaps I was greatly impressed by something I saw or someone I knew, something I felt?

Did I remember when I begin to define myself?

What is you, is me

With Ashaqirin, where we did everything with gusto.

Sort of rocking my world

We all have layers of tenderness, dreams waiting to be born, and we all have courage waiting inside the pockets of our brokenness. When we acknowledge and embrace all of these vulnerabilities, we pave the way for an expansion of spirit, for an opportunity of growth, for rebirth, for really seeing ourselves. And most importantly, for creating the experiences we most need.

Which is where I'm at these days: unearthing extreme tenderness, birthing new parts of myself, digging deeper than ever before for the bravery that lives inside. I sense that these new vulnerabilities, however scary and intense, are expanding my capacity to love in ways that leave me stunned. I'm deeply aware of this and sometimes I'm not even sure what to do with myself or how to contain the widened spaces of my growing heart.

More than anything else, I'm surprised how this experience is unrelenting in all things: physically, soul work, heart exploding, tears, pure happiness, terror/fear. I can barely wrap my brain around all the parts and pockets and intricacies. It feels deeply, deeply layered and so much bigger than me or him or even true. There is a spiritual component that is blowing me away.

It's hard to explain but it's good. I feel supported and affirmed inside this spiritual piece.