Farain

Re-entering my life

2010-11-29T13:52:00.003+08:00

Was I ever a silly girl with my head full only of laughter and serious boys who visited my attention with their stern adolescent dumbness?

Trying to remember: It would have been before I decide to choose between various styles and ideologies, and well before I chose to stop choosing. You see, if I am now the finely honed product of all those years of choosing, what was I before this, before choice? Can I even remember how old I was before I cease to be tabula rasa? Maybe not precisely, but there had to have been a time before the choice, the choice to speak in a certain tone, to mix a kind of polite forthrightness with a certain reticence.

It would have been sometime in early adolescence. Something, some event I may not even remember at first, would have launched me into the orbit of choice that led me to be the person I am now. Perhaps I was greatly impressed by something I saw or someone I knew, something I felt?

Did I remember when I begin to define myself?

What is you, is me

2010-11-28T12:23:00.003+08:00

With Ashaqirin, where we did everything with gusto.

Sort of rocking my world

2010-11-27T17:23:00.000+08:00

We all have layers of tenderness, dreams waiting to be born, and we all have courage waiting inside the pockets of our brokenness. When we acknowledge and embrace all of these vulnerabilities, we pave the way for an expansion of spirit, for an opportunity of growth, for rebirth, for really seeing ourselves. And most importantly, for creating the experiences we most need.

Which is where I'm at these days: unearthing extreme tenderness, birthing new parts of myself, digging deeper than ever before for the bravery that lives inside. I sense that these new vulnerabilities, however scary and intense, are expanding my capacity to love in ways that leave me stunned. I'm deeply aware of this and sometimes I'm not even sure what to do with myself or how to contain the widened spaces of my growing heart.

More than anything else, I'm surprised how this experience is unrelenting in all things: physically, soul work, heart exploding, tears, pure happiness, terror/fear. I can barely wrap my brain around all the parts and pockets and intricacies. It feels deeply, deeply layered and so much bigger than me or him or even true. There is a spiritual component that is blowing me away.

It's hard to explain but it's good. I feel supported and affirmed inside this spiritual piece.

The story begins in the middle

2010-10-02T12:10:00.000+08:00

When I get home from a big trip, I like to let things sit for a while. I like to let things float around in my head while I settle back into the business of everyday. I put the images away and let the proverbial dust settle. I am slow to process, so slow. But I think this is because when I'm traveling, I am all the way in it. Up to my elbows, up to my eyeballs, up to my everything in whatever is happening around me. And I love while I'm in it but one day mushrooms into the next and I am too close to what's happening. I can't see it, not really. It's only when I pull back that the whole thing finally comes roaring into focus.

I kept thinking about this one

2010-09-16T20:25:00.003+08:00

Found a little photobooth frame at the 39th street and had to dig through hundreds of old snapshots to find her but she was worth it. Stories after stories after stories. So many stories. Ther are lost people who need to be seen.

This is what I think:

She was an extraordinary speller and favored the scent of wild violets and coffee.

She kept her valuables in a red shoebox beneath the bathroom sink, just behind a stack of mismatched towels.

She had a goldfish named ching ching whom she confided in regularly. Though only after she was sure everyone had already gone to bed.

That's what I think. But that could change at any moment. Because that's what it is with found photographs. Their details are spectacularly mercurial and their stories are as wide open as the sky.

So much more inside

2010-09-14T20:43:00.002+08:00

People, I have been struck down like a dog in the night. I am burried in blankets and begging for mercy. I want my mother. And a magic pill to make it all go away.

The landscape of comfort

2010-09-02T18:52:00.002+08:00

I told a friend recently that I find myself without comfort right now (referring to life comforts of the kind that we crave after a long day, a comfy bed, a hot bath, a sense of organization). But afterwards I realized that this is not true. The comforts are smaller for the time being, but have just as much impact (if not more), and they are all around me if I choose to see them.

Fabulous silence found only underwater

2010-09-01T18:31:00.000+08:00

Water brings so much peace. Float in it, face up to a turquoise sky and you feel calm, weightless, effortlessly suspended. Nothing like it in all of the world. Water is our world. And so I was floating and was thinking about all of this, the magic of water, the colours, the feeling, the taste, the sounds. Crazy how something that brings so much delight, so much joy also has the ability to inflict so much pain, so much destruction. The dark side of water takes on unfathomable force and relentless wrath. Sort of feels like a betrayal you have no choice but to forgive.

Currently

2010-05-06T17:27:00.002+08:00

things are crazy. When this happens, I sort of shut down. This is unfortunate. Because I think I'd feel a little better if I could write my way through the craziness.

Better than everything in the sky

2010-04-09T13:05:00.010+08:00

I love

1. how my room smells of strawberries and champagne

2. the salvatore brothers (especially DAMON!!!)

3. leaving paper snowflakes in unlikely places (we left a whole box at a hotel room cause it has by far, the nicest people amongst all the hotels we've been to)

4. making paper hats to bring home to the one who irritates me most

5. cherry-dipped ice cream cone

6. the feeling of holding one of my beloved friend's newborn baby girl in my arms (a child we are sure to spoil mercilessly for decades to come)

7. laying in a foreign country, dreaming of strawberry fields, drive-in movies and the ocean

8. slicing up watermelon

9. contemplating colour for nails (when I don't have to paint red for work, that is)

10. having my hair blown willy nilly whilst riding

11. now more than then

The year I put together a wall of sunshine

2009-12-31T07:23:00.003+08:00

What a big year, maybe the biggest ever. I experienced what felt like a hundred firsts. If there was a year to celebrate unpredictability, this would be it. I'm telling you, this year was a force to be reckoned with. So as I say goodbye to 2009, I say goodbye, too, to the number that has served me well since 2002. As of 2010, I will no longer be a 9117.

2010, be spectacular.

My a little biggish boy

2009-07-30T00:19:00.002+08:00

Danish and Olivia, magical monday. Just the three of us.

Flow

2009-07-21T22:13:00.001+08:00

Life is full right now, really really full. Maybe possibly more than I can handle but I have willed myself to flow. And the words, they have taken up residence someplace else. Am currently without words and hoping they return soon.

If you say that it can't, then talk to the hand

2009-07-09T22:41:00.002+08:00

There's a pink balloon in my room and it will not die. Not that I want it to die, but it's been two weeks and shouldn't it be dead by now? Really, it should be somewhere near the floor looking sorry. Instead, it continues to hover shyly over my side of the bed and let me tell you, it's as pink and buoyant as ever. I've taken to calling her pinkie and I'm rooting for her to make it. I really am.

Cuckoo bird

2009-07-01T22:45:00.001+08:00

She's bald now. And I am completely and absolutely not surprise at all.

Please

2009-05-06T15:04:00.002+08:00

come closer
because my heart doesn't touch yours anymore

Cleaning out the closet

2009-05-04T19:26:00.000+08:00

When at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you for so long.

Lone eagle

2009-04-11T13:45:00.000+08:00

I’m lost and looking for the sky, for moving parts and a place that doesn’t rust. For wheels that burn and a world that turns. For a road that phantom cars still drive down while lovers long lost feel wind that’s blown too long in silver hair. You are the only map I know.

Bop Bop Baby

2009-04-09T03:18:00.001+08:00

The idiot

2009-04-08T13:38:00.001+08:00

Don’t let us forget that the causes of human actions are usually immeasurably more complex and varied than our subsequent explanations of them.

Pollen and salt

2009-02-27T14:43:00.000+08:00

And somewhere on coastlines unknown to me,
you paint your dreams, with reds and blues and greens
You're painting daffodils growing by the sea,
without me.

And you know for the first time, for the very first time, that there will now be a before and an after, a was and a will be.

And that you will never again quite be the same person you were.

18 things before 19

2009-02-21T11:37:00.010+08:00

1. Roller skate backwards

2. Take Yaya on a photowalk

3. Fill a book with collages

4. Bake a pie from scratch

5. Celebrate with Ifa

6. Teach Danish the rerun

7. Finish the unfinished

8. Wander aimlessly

9. Fill a jar with magical thinking

10. Drink to "die without regrets" with Brandon

11. Cultivate a collection of found paper

12. Learn to embroider (Nana, perhaps LILY could teach HAHA)

13. Beat my sister at Hearts

14. Get away for the weekend

15. Make key tag jewelry with Sarah

16. Ride my bike along the "eastbank esplanade"

17. Learn how to cook ayam cili padi

18. STOP BROODING

The secret

2009-02-20T07:35:00.000+08:00

When you were sleeping on my bed,
I put my ear to your ear and listened
to the echo of your dreams

That is the ocean I want to dive in,
merge with the bright fish,
plankton and pirate ships

I feel like walking up to people on the street that kind of look like you
and ask them the questions I would want to ask you

Can we sit on a rooftop and watch stars dissolve into smoke
rising from a chimney?
Can I swing like Tarzan in the jungle of your breathing?

I don’t wish I was in your arms,
I just wish I was peddling a bicycle
toward your arms

Varisparvi

2008-10-31T02:11:00.000+08:00

Bitter aftertaste of misplaced hope

2008-08-26T14:30:00.003+08:00

There was, in that small space, the extreme austerity of an almost empty mind colliding with something sweetly frantic and wrong between the many breaths, and an indifference to what would happen when the breathing was quiet again.

You weren't supposed to be there.

The mouse and the model are laughing at us

2008-08-08T11:44:00.002+08:00

Olivia, you got me crazy, cause you're so crazy beautiful

The alarming discovery that you were never God

2008-08-05T15:48:00.002+08:00

You wasted the very ripest years of your life on a fool, a man who don't pay even the debt he owes to his country, much less to you. He goes on living as if he's done nothing wrong.

Wolfboy

2008-07-25T07:19:00.003+08:00

It's like water

but sweeter

Like drug

only much stronger

Like obsession

to the point of destruction

It's like so impossible

almost suicidal

It's like I love you so much

yet you broke my heart

Earth

2008-07-18T07:09:00.000+08:00

That dot. It's here. It's home. It's us.

On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every superstar, every supreme leader, every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there - on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

New Moon

2008-07-14T07:57:00.001+08:00

Before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason . . . And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.

A world making its passage

2008-07-11T05:26:00.004+08:00

Sometimes when you're sitting and looking out the window, you realize that you don't know how things have gotten to that point. It's that strange time in life where everything is changing in front of your eyes. People who were once important become increasingly distant, and you crave the normalcy that you once knew. It's scary to look back at your life and how it was your life. I took for granted everything that I had, thinking that things would always be that way.

Something once coveted as my 'whole world' is morphing into another casuality of 'growing up'. I've almost gotten to the point where I'd rather be alone. Trying to cling to something that's drifting away becomes increasingly tiring and never ceases to stop the distance from growing. Well I guess I'm just finally accepting that in a few years I will be working and living someplace else, and my friends will possibly be scattered across the country. But, I'll always have room in my heart for the people that once filled it completely.

Seeing how much they've changed; how much you've changed, and how some things will never change. It's almost like meeting a new person, only to find that you have a beautiful web of history behind you.

Prozac Nation

2008-07-09T15:02:00.001+08:00

Hemingway has his classic moment in "The Sun Also Rises" when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt. All he can say is, "Gradually, then suddenly". That's how depression hits. You wake up one morning afraid that you're going to live.

Wine red sea

2008-07-05T01:52:00.004+08:00

This chaos, this calamity
This garden once was perfect
Give your immortality to me
I'll set you up against the stars

This is a lie, this must not go on
This is the time, this is the place

Go get a rock

2008-05-30T04:59:00.001+08:00

The fire begins as a spark
Next thing you know the whole world is in flames
Next thing you know it's always the same
Cause nothing ever really change

Back in time

2008-05-28T12:13:00.001+08:00

Life, it turns out, goes on. There is no cosmic rule that grants you immunity from the details just because you have come face to face with catastrophe.

On the edge of not wanting to feel

2008-05-26T08:15:00.000+08:00

You want me there but you're never here. How is it that I could blind myself to all your faults yet you judge the distance I had gone for you? I am tired of always having to be the one trying to salvage the remains of what we had.

So. Forgive me for not meeting your expectations. Forgive me for not being brave enough to tell this straight to you. Forgive me for having the fear of losing you. Forgive me for all the things I didn't do and have done. Forgive me for all the things I couldn't be for you.

Please. Just this once, let it be about me. Just this once, catch me when I fall. Just this once, love me as much as I love you. Just this once, hold my hands. Just this once, climb the mountains for me. Just this once, help me reach the sky. Just this once, be here with me.

I wanted to be enough for you but there is just not enough of me. Don't misunderstood what I want as expectations. I would never degrade what we have that way. And please don't hate me and say goodbye for being a coward. I just love you too much to tell you I'm in so much pain.

Pure logic

2008-05-23T16:51:00.000+08:00

Assuming reality was constant, expectation had to be greater than reality to create optimism. On the other hand, a pessimist was someone with expectations lower than reality, a fraction of diminishing returns. The human condition meant that this number approached zero without reaching it - you never really gave up hope; it might come flooding back at any provocation.

Tagged by Tasha

2008-05-19T13:10:00.007+08:00

1. What is your idea of earthly happiness?
Earthly happiness has so many facets. I am indebted to all of it.

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
To be part of the unicef.

3. What will your dream wedding be like?
I don't have a definitive one in mind yet. Last year I wanted an Indian wedding. Like the ones you see in Bollywood movies. I just like the idea of having people in wonderful exotic colours dancing in joy. But recently, I've taken up my sister's idea of eloping.

4. What is your dream home like?
Living in a greek architecture with a victorian theme inside.

5. What is your ideal lover like?
Everything both my grandfather is.

6. Which is more blessed, to love or be loved?
Both. They come together.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
I don't really like the idea of putting my self worth on the front for a guy. Then again, who knows?

8. What is your favourite luxury in life?
My sense of touch, taste, sight, hearing and smelling. And also the very state of being.

9. What is your most prizzed possession?
A bracelet my late grandfather gave me filled with charms from his trip around the world and my pride.

10. What do you want most in life?
To be a woman that is all women.

11. Who is your style icon?
Audrey Hepburn for her enduring elegance of timeless beauty and charm. And my late grandmother for her personification of beauty, grace and elegance which I got to know of more from her writings.

12. Who would you most like to meet?
Mahatma Gandhi, father of our nation. He made a difference in the world and defied the odds. I would love to spend the day with him by simply listening to his utmost enriched life experiences and non violent fight for freedom.

13. Who is your most favorite hero of fiction?
William Lowell Kane of Kane and Abel. He possesses such intense power, grounded humility and charismatic personality. And EDWARD CULLEN!

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
It would take me my entire life to describe her. Just know, that I love her endlessly.

15. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
It depends. Whichever that is able to give me happiness in life. I want to have the satisfaction of being happy regardless.

16. What's the first thing you do every morning?
Read the newspaper.

17. What is your current obsession?
My beloved Danish, and Stephenie Meyer's amazing writings.

18. If you fall in love with two man simultaneously, who would you pick?
The one with an expensive taste for living and an articulate eye for life.

19. What is the one thing in life you can not live without?
God.

20. If you played a prank on someone, and he or she fell for it, what would you do?
Well, it all depends on how crude the prank is.

Born on the same day

2008-05-13T18:30:00.009+08:00

I loved the seven year old you then with your Hello Kitty backpack and your hair tied in two, and I still love the eighteen year old you now with your Chanel bag and your silky straight hair.

I love you more than the entire entity in this universe ever could.

I look forward to visiting you and your family halfway across the world this year. And going on an awesome adventure after that.

I love you, Natasha Ridzuan. Forever.

The cuspid that cuts like a knife

2008-05-06T16:12:00.003+08:00

I wondered if it were possible to throw one's emotion so that it spoke back to you, a ventriloquism of pain. Because reputations, once they're made, precede you.

Living with intention

2008-05-02T17:08:00.005+08:00

Resting my cheeks against the cool marble, I give myself to the melody of the whale songs. There are no lyrics, no refrains. They are more like the chants of African tribes: the pattern, though regular, is foreign to my culture. Not chordal, not symphonic. Themes that you least expect recur, patterns you have heard twice already come through yet again. Sometimes the whales sing together, and sometimes, dramatically, they cry through the ink of the ocean, bemoaning alone.

Rising from the froth of foam

2008-05-01T07:47:00.000+08:00

Its brain, I believe, was no bigger than my fist. Intelligence belonged to the tyrannosaurus across the way, with its formidable jaw and fence of teeth. Because only it, would think that I'm esculent.

Diamonds are f o r e v e r

2008-04-30T14:45:00.005+08:00

Audrey Hepburn and Julie Andrews at the 1965 Academy Awards

Almost everyone's favourite, especially mine.

Of course I love Audrey Hepburn more than Julie Andrews.

Still, both are undeniably talented and elegant.

Second Glance

2008-04-29T07:09:00.000+08:00

I loved words, but I would also be the first to tell you they had a habit of letting you down. Most of the time, the words that were not written were the ones you needed most.

Cause you are my only

2008-04-19T04:57:00.000+08:00

i would walk to the edge of the universe for you paint you a crimson sunset over sheltering skies i could learn all the world dialects for you whisper sonnets in your ear discovering the truth i could never worship pagan gods around me i will only follow the path that leads me to you i would carry the rock of gibraltar just for you lifted like a pebble from the beach to the skies i could build you a bridge that spans the ocean wide but the greatest gift i give you would be to stand by your side none can take away the love that lives inside of us let the rivers flow to the highest ground created i could go on for infinity cause with you there is no commas or fullstops just eternity

Tiger Kings

2008-04-17T23:57:00.000+08:00

I love John Wayne Parr and I cannot lie.
I think my heart stopped beating when he lost.

Every part of me

2008-04-16T23:48:00.001+08:00

Each the other's world entire.

Heart like a grave

2008-04-15T23:30:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wanted to scratch myself out of my skin, to see what was on the other side. I want to jump off bridges into seas of concrete. I want to scream until my throat bleeds; to run until my soles split open. At times like this, when failure is a tidal wave, my life becomes a finite line - the end of which, through some cosmic joke, I could not seem to reach.

Dry and almost tasteless

2008-04-14T21:23:00.002+08:00

On this road there are no godspoke men. They are gone and I am left and they have taken with them the world.

Query: How does the never to be differ from what never was?

You're my unconditional love

2008-04-13T15:46:00.014+08:00

My Danish, staring into space

. . .then dozing off
I love you, Danish. I love you so much that I don't know how to put it in words. Just know that I love you more than everything there is.

Battleship Loser

2008-04-11T20:18:00.006+08:00

- Yesterday night was amazing

- I piled like four ships all together
(I either have no brain, or didn't care to win at all)

- My brother finally won the unbeatable Uncle Ross

Last year

2008-04-09T12:02:00.017+08:00

I am thankful in ways undefined to these people. I dreamt of us last night and woke up with this sudden sharp spasm of pain in my heart. I have missed all of you so very much and I yearned for us badly. There is so much of everything that I wanted to share with all of you.

Asha, you light up my life (Morgan is well taken care of!)

Last year, April the 7th (when this picture was taken), you came to my table while I was busy with my Batik to eat oreos with me while you took a break from yours. I have missed you so much Asha, truly. I want to sing our song together with you again and talk about Jamal Abdillah. Cinta, is ours. Believe in all that you are. I am looking forward to you.

Aziean and me, "I'll fight you to the end, I say"

Now, what would break time be without you, chicken pau, chocolate milk and the library? Oh and science classes and practical lessons too. You believed in me when I don't know what to believe in anymore. You gave me back to me and I can't thank you enough for that.

Rini Astika, Azlianah and Amni, "Oooooo, hot"

Art is never complete without the three of you. You have brought in so much joy in art. I couldn't have completed any of my sketches and what have you, without the three of you. I miss all the nonsensical talks and what not, and most definitely, I miss all of you.

Gui Yao and me, as always

I love how you make everyday exciting for me. Especially during math and english class and all the in betweens. I still keep all the small notes you gave me with words of wisdom from your heart. They were so sincere and full of faith and hope that I didn't want to lose myself and let you down. They were simple, yet powerful and deep because it came from you.

http://laozhabor.blogspot.com/2008/03/i-went-to-eldercare-centre-with.html; Yes Gui Yao, indeed we are. I SEE US HERE!!

Yesterday, today and tomorrow

2008-04-04T21:13:00.006+08:00

Everytime I look at you, I see vistas of gold, glowing emeralds and scatters of rubies. They burn hotter, smaller, into quasars and novas and fill a universe. I can never really explain what I felt in words filigreed with love. Because you complete me. And I love you across time, and in spite of it. Love, with all of my heart.

17 things before 18

2008-03-19T13:40:00.019+08:00

Because I always look silly and stupid with Jill, this . .two years ago?

1. Bookclub with my sisters

2. Learn one new recipe: my aunt's famous butternut squash soup

3. Have my photographs made into postcards

4. Go down as many slides as possible

5. Teach Harry how to mix colours

6. Spend an afternoon at a museum with Sarah

7. Surprise Jake

8. Learn how to make Danish burp

9. Buy a sunflower for Nana

10. Write a letter to my granddad cause he loves it

11. Go out for lunch again with Uncle Ross and his beautiful new girlfriend

12. Get my brother organic dark chocolate ginger and pear flavour biscuits cause I finished his and lied about it

13. Go to Chinatown with Yaya

14. Stop thinking about my dead camera

15. Make a card for Zana

16. Write down the stories of the charm bracelet

17. Take my grandmum out for lunch for the dress she made for Olivia

Wise wizard hand tore a hole in the clouds

2008-03-17T03:58:00.000+08:00

. . . . and the kings went to battle

Auf Wiedersehen

2008-03-16T20:30:00.012+08:00

My heart felt heavy today. This is to them, for everything.

Cashiers

1. ROSEMARY aka ROSMAN (I cannot take it, boy! For ever and for always!)

2. Mummy aka Saadiah (For all that you have taught me)

3. Adlin (Yous betsters stops its ahs)

4. Ting Taur Ling (I want to claim hours!)

5. Maybelline (yada, yada, yada)

6. Mary Seng (Steal more paper bags!)

7. Zhang Li

8. Jackson ("FLOWER")

9. Yue Min ("BEAUTY", thanks for the US100 cheque)

10. Rhia

11. Subathra (STOP TALKING!)

12. Madhu

13. Rajes (Yes, your make-up is perfect)

14. Rudiah (Ritter-sport Cornflakes)

15. Wei Jie (Let it go already)

16. Fen

17. Brian (Ah beng!)

18. Cashier Supervisor, Cyril (I, I, I, da . . .m . .a . .kan)

19. Cashier Supervisor, Sim (Liar, liar pants on fire)

20. Cashier Supervisor, May (Yes, I'm fine)

21. Michelle (First Mummy)

22. Corrine Chua Wan Shih (Bitchy Bak Kwa)

23. Si Ying (Your Arnold, My Jason)

24. Aziz (Take off your helmet)

25. Gek Peng aka Mega Peng aka Li ann ("You're very mean lei")

26. Safiah (Second Mummy)

27. Yaya (I'm just being silly here!! Haha)

28. Candy (Hope you're happier now)

Library

1. Hui Yan

2. Jamal (Jason is mine)

3. Jason Vidal (Mrs Vidal? Cause age is not a factor)

4. 120502 (Sorry, what's your name again?)

5. Sumathy

6. Shakti ("Fly away with me", I would in a heartbeat)

7. Joann Beh

8. That chinese guy who speaks perfect malay

9. The indian/malay/chinese uncle who is always seen ironing

10. Sandy ("I just love shopping you know")

Technobay

1 Murli (Thanks fors thes Sasmusrais)

2. Geoffrey ("Hello cantik manis")

3. Daz

4. Malik (What see-see?)

5. Anson (veslys hots)

Playlab

1. Adnan (Just because)

2. Zuraidah (The one with the rusty r)

3. Fiza (oooooooo)

4. Rivathi (My packer)

5. That tall guy

6. Mardhiah (Can you please eat more?!)

7. Siti Rohana (No, I am not with Danial)

8. Danial (Ignore Siti)

9. Nizam (Very idiotic customer)

10. Johnnie

11. Arnold (Canteen will do just fine)

12. Diana (Again, Danial and I are just friends)

13. The bread and butter promoters

14. Jo (Ext 999)

15. Darwin (Maramin Salamat)

16. G-star promoter from SP

17. FCUKs

Men's shoes, Luggage

1. Hazli (Yes, I do have the potential to be part of it)

2. Cheryl (Careful)

3. Christina (YOU MUST DO REVERSAL AND RETURN NO MATTER WHAT)

4. Cyrus (Corrine and Gek Peng secretly likes you)

5. Hawa (MAS SELAMAT IS STILL OUT THERE)

6. Irene (Hawa, stop teasing her!)

7. Shawn

8. The other luggage promoters

Men's Basic, Pen

1. Shuyi (I will miss all your complaints about Gigi and Turtle)

2. Ellen (120934)

3. Pauline (Stop being so greedy!)

4. Aloycious (I'm finally gone!)

5. Rohana Rawi (Err, nice hair?)

6. Ryan Lai (I refuse to be your second wife)

Playground

1. Brandon (All the way from Toyland)

2. Ma Yan

3. Ai Jong (For all the reversals and returns you hate doing)

4. Mary Grace C Cayot (BAGENDA!)

5. Rachiel (Rock on)

6. Humaidah (Shut up, Brandon!)

7. Daisy (I don't want your god-knows-how-long-you-kept nail polish)

8. 18733

Infants

1. Shaleeza (For everything)

2. Cai Mei Hui (HAHAHAHHAHA NAUGHTY?!)

3. Elsie Lum (Nice hair)

4. Prema

5. Zack-man (From Toyland)

6. Farhan (Cause you're proud that you could fart and burp at the same time)

7. Hasbro promoters

8. And all the promoters from level four

9. Elsie Wong (Elephant Daisy)

10. Tina

and the TFLCs.

TANGS for all the wonderful memories. I hope I didn't leave anyone out.

Spin the globe

2008-03-11T20:22:00.011+08:00

"Spin me," it whispers.

And you do. Round and round it flies, giddy with color, pregnant with possibility, lightly grazing the tips of your fingers as it goes. You are reminded of how big the world is, how little of it you've seen, how much you don't know about people, places, things. You stop the world with your index finger to see where it lands. You imagine long train rides across unknown countries where the people dress in electric colors and speak liquid, rhythmic languages. In your mind, you are already there. You are nowhere near your oatmeal-colored couch, your too-quiet living room, far from your city, your state, your country. With the spin of the globe, you are someplace far away.

Instantly, you are there.

Rosemary

2008-03-07T18:58:00.003+08:00

When you called, I wanted to cry and hug you real tight. Lean on your shoulder with our arms lock. You always make it better.

Wayward on the tracks

2008-02-24T11:39:00.002+08:00

The bullshit gang, dinner at Macdonalds

Ears and Eyes

2008-02-16T03:04:00.000+08:00

Comprehension, a distant land.
Interpretation, far from bland.
Burning confusion starts the fire.

It is only funny when I say it. That coming out from you, makes you look as disgusting as I am. You, whoever you are, please stop. Cause now that it hurts her, it is no longer funny. Not anymore.

Babe, you know I don't mean it that way.

Silver cups and saucers whistle

2008-02-09T14:41:00.000+08:00

Predictably the clock becomes
The ever present theme.
Blinking with the rhythmic tick
I fall into a dream.

Everyone I love was there,
Empty rooms and lonely chairs love me.

Forever.

Little Puppet

2008-02-08T21:58:00.000+08:00

Paint my face the way you like it.
I am your design my dear.
Pull my strings and make my mouth sing
All the songs you'd like to hear.

See rock city

2008-02-04T15:38:00.000+08:00

And the dreams so rich in colour. How else would death call you? Waking in the cold dawn it all turned to ash instantly. Like certain ancient frescoes entombed for centuries suddenly exposed to the day.

So we're going the right way.

The road, swerving humanity

2008-02-02T01:24:00.000+08:00

Bedrock, this.

The cold and the silence. The ashes of the late world carried on the bleak and temporal winds to and fro in the void. Carried forth and scattered and carried forth again. Everything uncoupled from its shoring. Unsupported in the ashen air. Sustained by a breath, trembling and brief. If only my heart were stone.

Mad skills

2008-01-19T20:03:00.000+08:00

Somewhere along the way, Harry got it in his head to make penguin robots. But with foil and little paper umbrellas.

Really, I just want a mind that works like that.

Cucumber faces

2008-01-17T23:56:00.001+08:00

Laughing city, Ayay and Nodnarb

A week on the Concord and Merrimack river

2008-01-09T18:13:00.000+08:00

What other words, we may almost ask, are memorable and worthy to be repeated than those which love has inspired? It is wonderful that they were ever uttered. They are few and rare indeed, but, like a strain of music, they are incessantly repeated and modulated by memory. All other words crumble off with the stucco which overlies the heart. We should not dare to repeat these now aloud. We are not competent to hear them at all times.

With fluffy bunny slippers on my feet

2008-01-06T18:12:00.000+08:00

In an afternoon spent in sporadic moments of overwhelm (feeling the reality and the enormity of not having enough time to squeeze in all of life this week) I am wishing I were lost in gentle memories. Like the ones of fishing on lake sante fe with my granddad. Or hearing my sister sing to me as I fell asleep in 1994. Or remembering how much I loved our white rabbit named 'Henry' (or was it 'Fred') that same year. Or how my grandmum would make me grits with cheese and butter every single morning before I left for playschool. All childhood memories. All gentle. All comforting to a somewhat frazzled self today. Even just for a moment.

Sitting on a cornflake, wishing on a honeystar

2008-01-02T18:12:00.000+08:00

Rejoicing in your specialness at the comfort of my own thoughts

Dearest greatest,

you suddenly came into my mind while I was watching Martha at around noon today. And it sort of made me happy. I let go of all that I am holding onto so tightly, all the self-imposed deadlines and expectations, all the anxiety. All of it floated right out of my body and up into an infinite grey sky. They are hovering now. Somewhere over lake Michigan, I think. Oh and did I tell you that I have an ugly scar on my left leg cause I fell off my bike while cycling along the path that resembles one at Evesham? Also, I want you to know that I miss you oceans and I love you mountains. Rats and bees this weekend? I have photos to share and stories to tell.

Because really, it's the thought.

Like an infidel seeing light for the first time

2007-10-23T10:52:00.000+08:00

I am tied up with emotions inside. Like the branches in the tree above, my feelings want to stretch as far to the sky as they can within their darkness but mine feel tangled and bound to the ground, unable to move. I have felt like this for a few days. So inside myself. Unable to express all that is transpiring within me. I am craving quiet. Calm. Wide open spaces. The corner of a room, hunched over, alone. Such a contradiction. I don't even know what I need.

Okay so maybe what I need right now is for my family to tell me that this time, when I fall, they won't be here to catch me. That what I need to do is get through it and not over it. That they won't be here for me forever. That I cannot always depend on them for everything. That they will stand beside me and not infront of me. I need them to tell me this so I could guide myself till I am able to see light at the end of the tunnel even when it means that I have to crawl to get there. Last year, a miracle happened and I am here. I don't know if God is willing to give me that again cause all that I will give is disappointment. To myself, my family and my teachers.

This stream of consciousness feels good. This stream of feelings. They were tucked away, held tight into my chest and now they are brave enough to peek through.

Lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs

2007-10-17T04:46:00.000+08:00

Chucky, shining across the sky till morning

Filling in the cracks that ran through the door

2007-10-14T22:13:00.000+08:00

Silly people run around, they worry me.
I’m fixing a hole where the rain gets in.

I know this is all a part of the journey. Of finding my place in a world of people so vast and expansive. These things take time, and I do feel the beginnings of connections growing stronger. Each day brings with it a new set of emotions at these retreats. So, don't be surprised if tomorrow I am without any internal conflict. It happens every time. Emotions are bare. Hearts are full. Frenetic energy is everywhere. This is where I am today. Sometimes, it all feels awkward, even with the awareness of gratitude for all of it. Now Jake will you smile like the sun for me?

They say better late than never. I say it's too late. So au revoire zeroeight.

Falling like rain from the sky

2007-10-11T02:02:00.000+08:00

Ugh, company. Completely drained from the buildup of competition adrenaline that fueled the first half of the day, I'm way too tired to be cordial. She's taking too much space (Jill squashed, looking helpless, pleading for rescue). I'm losing it, losing, losing, LOST! Now can anyone tell me where I can find hope and faith? I seriously, urgently, desperately want it, need it.

On the lacquer tabletop for the tenth time

2007-10-05T16:48:00.000+08:00

Such a beautiful day today is.

The sun and the warm scent of clinique happy heart in the air (thank you Kirsten for always smelling like heaven). Today, I will be kidnapping Sarah's (toy) cat, Ashraf, and Harry's dinosaur, Farty. Ohhh I cannot contain my excitement! Revenge is sweet. Really, really sweet!

Fall or trip, laugh or play, do whatever

2007-09-29T18:07:00.000+08:00

I want to meet Big Bird and join him in his quest to find Ernie. Ernie found, the three of us will then join Cookie Monster and eat lots of cookies. Satisfied and bloated, we will then join Elmo and draw and colour all things beautiful. The day shall end with all of us counting the stars with The Count (or whatever that vampire is called).

I missed history class today. Thank you Nana for the virus :) Remind me to murder you on Tuesday for this and on Monday for I-don't-know-what-exactly.

About an hour or so more to go so I am basically just killing time now. Okay I have a sudden urge to wear something senseless like a tee on my head and socks on my hands. Then head down to that sunny place for prata and margarita (just cause it rhymes). Somebody PLEASE STOP ME!

With little toes to play and tiny hands to hold

2007-09-28T19:37:00.000+08:00

I could hold you forever and never get tired.

Some MTV intern trussed up as a moose

2007-09-11T18:01:00.000+08:00

Lily Punky, wicked as a joyride jaunt

Diffusing into a refracted halo

2007-09-10T23:57:00.000+08:00

He takes off into the shadows, and I continue to beam into the night, relishing the darkness and the mild rain that begins to silver into the ring of light where he was just standing. Then I hear insistent scratching at the screen door.

BOOOOOOM!

I suddenly realised that dreams don't come easy. So next week on, I'll be in school everyday to you-know-what. No, I am not procrastinating (well, we'll just have to wait and see won't we?!)! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ARGHHHHH I AM TALKING IN RIDDLES NOW PLEASE EXCUSE MY FLUSTERED MIND OR WHATEVER :)

OH AND TASHA JUST TOLD ME SOMETHING AND SO I'M REALLY DEPRESSED NOW UGHHHHHHH BLAH BLAHH I AM GOING TO FLYYYY WITTH THEEEEE PENGUINSSSSS UNDERRRR THE SEAAAAAAAA NOW adios :)

See clouds arriving without warning, shelter me

2007-08-28T18:36:00.000+08:00

There was a time in my life when I made decisions based on fear all of the time. I would choose what felt comfortable, what wouldn't sting. What would bring money. What would bring the less amount of change. What would be easy.

But now, as I get older and more comfortable with myself (albeit we all know this isn't always the case), and I know for sure what I want and what I don't want, I make more and more decisions that aren't centered from fear.

It's quite exhilarating and liberating when I know I'm making a decision deeply rooted in hope and faith. It feels like I'm going against the grain, against the masses, and more towards my hopes, my dreams, my self. I hope this stays for awhile, this newfound sense of decision making. Some days are better than others, of course. But I'm learning. And that's what matters.

Above is a picture of Jeslyne Cursive, a beach Kelly doll that has been with me since I was eleven. A gift from my mum to help me sail through my fears.

PS: Nana wants me to sell her A math formula book, here in my blog, for four dollars only. She's freaking hilarious, I tell you.

This could be the night that the moon goes red

2007-08-10T12:12:00.000+08:00

It's been a cocooned world around here lately, my room in complete disarray. The weather has been blissfully reminiscent of the northwest and I'm loving every moment of it.

I know myself well (okay maybe not too well). Just when the curve of life tilts down, it's back up again with a view of the horizon. I notice when I chat with my friends lately, I'm talking a lot about my stuff. My hard. My guts. My alone-ness. My moodiness that seems to have permeated the tone of my life lately. Talking helps. Having good, solid, non-judgmental friends who have known me forever helps. It's part of what gives way to inspiration which is the ultimate healer.

I am learning to accept the haphazard patterns of my life lately. The feeling ok and light one day, and bluesy the next. The thrills. The disappointments. The arrivals and departure and inspiration. It's hard to explain, this feeling of gratitude that everything is raw and beautiful, yet it is often accompanied with a longing. The hard parts feel beautifully hard and the lessons are everywhere. I find myself stuck in the thoughts of everything, the meaning of everything, the everything of everything. Yet, I feel light too, like none of this really matters. I am finding my way, sometimes feeling quite fluid and peaceful, sometimes wrestling with stubbornness. I have a firm grasp of what is truly meaningful and important, yet I still find myself getting stuck sometimes in the restlessness of the day to day.

Lately, I have yearnings to travel, to wander Italy in my flip-flops, in the arms of wanderlust. But then I also have yearnings to nest, in a home, with my family and friends, in Oregon. A life in transition. Oh, the ups and downs of it all. I am trying, with all of my might, to not fight it - to just let it all come and go and pass on by while firmly rooting myself in my dreams and in my vision for the day.

Here comes the sun again, blinding me and you

2007-07-20T18:45:00.000+08:00

When you are wholly submerged, the silence is opulent. Your body fights buoyancy and tiny bubbles quietly suggest you take up full time residency. You think you can stay under forever, you are weightless and everything is so quiet. If you are able to open your eyes, the scene plays out like a random dream sequence. Limbs seem disconnected from torsos and move through the water in a clumsy, lovely way.

You think you can stay under for hours- for days, months, years. You always think this, but you know that you can't. Eventually, you've got to come up for air.

My little star, way up high against the sky

2007-07-15T17:40:00.000+08:00

Controlling and enslaving what should be free

2007-07-08T01:28:00.002+08:00

There should be a more neutral term to describe a person you enjoy close ties with because the term “friend” is loaded with affection, intertwining bonds, loyalty and something akin to forever. In reality affection fades, bonds loosen, loyalty wavers, forever is a myth and friendship, like any other relationship, is transient.

A languid voice that speaks in harmony with me

2007-06-23T16:24:00.000+08:00

Today I had a myriad of emotions inside of me that I didn't quite know what to do with. I found myself restless. I started doing my homework, only to be distracted by another. I couldn't really focus. I didn't have the words to write into my journal or here because my feelings hadn't yet been born into words yet. They were just a mass of emotions. Not just one emotion but many, some contradicting the other.

So I found myself iPod free, face down, walking at a fast pace, then breaking into a run. I wanted to hear my breath rather than a song. I wanted to be cognizant of my feet pounding on the ground. I went beyond my usual stopping point and kept going. My mouth was clenched. My brow furrowed. My eyes on the grasses and rocks beneath me.

I realized something with this shift in behavior. I'm holding onto stuff. I am still not sure how to get it out. The feelings I have inside are so foreign to me. Almost like I am in a foreign country where I don't speak the language and the only way I can communicate is through actions rather than words.

I needed physical action today...not words. I don't have the answers as to why or what or who or when or where all this is coming from inside of me. All I know is that tomorrow...I want to do it again because today, this serene place spoke my language.

The cloud and the sand dune

2007-06-12T16:23:00.000+08:00

I think getting the contents of your heart out into the world is good. It's healing and it's honest. I was chatting with Nana on the phone the other day and we were talking about how putting yourself out there in the world, whether with your words, your art, or your life, can be unsettling at times. It's exposing and revealing and honest and vulnerable all at once. And when you happen to be in a time of struggle, all of those things are amplified and can feel uneasy. This has been a bit of a struggle for me personally. When things are good with me I have no problem standing on the mountain top, in full view of the world to see, to judge, to pass on by. But when I'm down, when I'm overwhelmed, it's a bit daunting really, to continue to be open, to share myself.

I wonder sometimes if I'll ever see world, or really just my life, without the viewpoint or the filter of pain. Pain that has been sifted like sand through the wonders of my life's experience, but leaves behind sediment of hardened rock that will never turn to dust and float away. It just won't. Everything good that happens to me feels amplified because I know less and less of the place I'm leaving behind with every step towards beauty. Everything shapes us. There is hopefulness and beauty surrounding my life. It is everywhere, and I am thankful, but sometimes I just feel and notice that seed of distanced, but always present past. We all have it. I think the trick (for me) is to acknowledge it, sit with it, nurture it, and move forward.

The truth is that we all have up and down weeks. Sometimes I don't give myself permission to feel down. Resisting it, I often feel guilty, which is a world of unrelenting and unforgiving revolving doors.

The baby shower (which is just a week away) is not moving in a right direction at all. Perhaps our impeccable approach had detered all the right movements. How can we not? It's the first for us. Like how all girls should know french, every mum to be should have a baby shower. But excitement and pain just don't dance well together.

Dream of bright and beautiful things

2007-06-02T10:57:00.000+08:00

Make a wish and give it wings
All life joys are yours to take

Such relish of their likenesses and differences

2007-05-20T17:17:00.000+08:00

Stay close my knight, stay close by my side

2007-05-04T13:04:00.000+08:00

The first time I saw you, my heart fell. The second time I saw you, my heart fell. The third time fourth time fifth time and ever time since, my heart has fallen.

I'll do anything for you
You won't need to ask me to
I'll piece together the broken pieces of your plane with glue
I'll make it fly high over you

I'll do anything for you
You won't need to ask me to
I'll take that one last shot and die for you
If it's keeping you alive, I'd do

So don't ever question my love for you
Because you should know I'm always true

They tried to make me go to rehab

2007-05-01T16:32:00.000+08:00

That's when you know that you found home

2007-04-30T17:48:00.000+08:00

This land is mine but I let you rule

2007-04-24T17:53:00.000+08:00

Bittersweet, the last page of a book
Crawling out from your reading nook
Satisfaction of a journey's end,
Realization that these new friends,
...were merely penned.
An unwilling parting, a forced farewell,
in your heart their souls will undying dwell.
And so to those fictional souls,
the page is turned, the book is closed.

There are some things my mum may never understand about me. One is how I can get depressed after reading a book. Like how I got depressed last year after reading The Kite Runner. And my soul is still sick with sorrow cause I miss Hassan.

I need to move on. There are so many more books to read. So many more fictional people to meet, to love, and then say goodbye to.

The tool of a clown or a fool, you see

2007-04-09T20:17:00.000+08:00

My eyes wide open, I'm in rapture

2007-04-07T16:50:00.000+08:00

With Nana and Yaya , art room

M for Morgan, M for Morphine

2007-04-06T17:00:00.000+08:00

Morgan is unlike any of his brothers. He prefers reading comics and sailing to soccer and getting all dirty and smelly. Very Seth Cohen I must say. Well Morgan, I hope you know how very much we love you. That our love for you is as wide as the sea that has neither a beginning nor an ending and as limitless as the height of the sky. Through your eyes, heart and soul, I see another being. May you grow to be as good as that part of you.

Visual profile

2007-04-03T21:15:00.000+08:00

Mood: Easy Rider
Always taking life how it comes, and living in the moment. They don't get fazed by life. . .they just breezed through.

Habits: High Time Roller
They are always seen in the best, and the finest, they love top quality, high end glamour. Always adding a touch of sophistication to the proceedings.

Fun: Conqueror
They are full of ambition, and energy - cavalier and always moving to the next level.

Love: Home Soul
Their heart is always at their nest, they place real importance on friendships. They are family-minded, and forge strong relationships.

Seventeen, in all its glory

2007-04-01T10:31:00.000+08:00

Pink and red. It felt like I'm celebrating my seventh instead of my seventeenth. Nonetheless, thank you all so very much. For the gifts, the love, the remembrance and the sweet nothings on post-it. I love it all.

I have been blessed with all the goodness of the world and it took me so long to realize it. In the car on my way home just now, I start to ponder on all the things I'm fortunate to have. How is it that I can look at myself and be unsatisfied with everything when in truth, I have nothing (or maybe something lesser than everything) to be unsatisfied of.

Perhaps, as you get older, you start to wonder more and have a care for your life; your past, mistakes and love. How could I even think that love does nothing but hurts one unconditionally? Yes, love hurts. But it heals too.

Now, as I down a tall glass of milk with apricots and strawberries made by my mum, I can't help but realized that every little thing is made for love. Even a twelve year old can tell me the simple gestures of love. I've been too busy feeling unsatisfied to notice the bits and pieces of love.

True Nana, life is about love. Nothing else, but love. So here I send my love to my family, my beloved friends, and my babies.